AARGH!!
WHY DO PPL HAVE TO BE SO INFURIATING!!??

OK...so heres whats going on right now...

im home from my first semester of college for christmas break.  when i got home, everything was great...my parents were happy to have me home, my brother was ecstatic that he wasnt going to be alone with my parents anymore..general good feelings all around...then my older brother got home...things then were pretty good.  my parents were on a kind of high from having all three of their sons under one roof again.  we had fun and things were cool.  then, all of a sudden, my younger brother started drifting away every day...like he was far too busy to spend any time with me.  i started getting annoyed because my little brother and i have always been really really close, and we used hang out all the time.  when i confronted him about this, he didnt even believe that he was doing it, like he couldnt see that he didnt spend any time with me or my parents anymore...  after a while i got it out of him that he got a boyfriend recently.  I've known he was gay since before he knew, so the whole gay thing didnt really phase me.  what did phase me was the fact that he was acting just like every friend i've ever had once they get a significant other...  suddenly i'm a second-class citizen... like i was just a temporary replacement while they were between boyfriends or girlfriends.  i guess i should explain myself...  i'm asexual, and i've come to accept it... though it did take me a long time to figure it out... i dont feel sexual attraction to anyone or anything... a lot of ppl tell me that i havent met the right person, or that im just denying my urges or something, but thats just not it... i truly, honestly dont see anyone as a sexual partner.  all of my friends know this, and they take it pretty well, but they dont seem to understand what the world looks like through my eyes...  every time one of my brothers or one of my friends gets a partner, they stop being a friend...  they just want to spend time with their partner....  i mean, i understand that they're in love, and that they need room to explore and expand their relationship (for someone who hasnt ever been in one, im VERY good with relationship problems creating healthy bonds), but its not like i just go away...  i dont tell my friends or family this, but sometimes its really lonely being someone who wont ever love.  i dont really have anyone that i can depend on, because they all fall in love.  everyone i know will eventually fall in love and get into some kind of relationship, and they'll leave me high and dry without anyone.  i love my friends, i really do, but sometimes it feels like i AM an inferior good...something they just have to settle for until life brings them to richer times.  when i met one of my best friends, i thought he would just be the same old thing...he was in a straight relationship at the time, and he was madly, truly, deeply in "love"...

then i moved closer to where he lived, so now he lives just up the street.  its was kind of fun, since i hadnt lived near anyone i could hang out with in forever.  but i was still second class to his girlfriend.  then he called me one day to tell me that he and she had broken up (big f***ing surprise).  i was supportive, and i helped him through his tough time.  during his rebound period, he started talking about him wanting to experiment in some more bisexual stuff.  that was ok by me (i dont judge ppl based on that kind of petty sh**), and my gay friend was happy because my straight friend had already admitted that there was something there for him...

but they never actually DID anything (to my knowledge), and he just kind of settled down...  i know it sounds weird, but i started to love him.... not in a romantic or sexual kind of way, but in a different way...like someone who might one day understand my feelings...  then came my first taste of college, a massively strange experience that i cant even begin to describe, but lets just say my priorities changed (i went in as a biology premed student specializing in psychology and came out a professional writing major with aspirations of writing a fantasy novel and teaching english in japan).  when i got home for break, my friend told me that he was giving up on relationships.  I was on cloud nine.  finally, i thought, finally someone might actually be like me, someone might learn to see as i do.  it was great.  we got along even better than before, and there was so much to talk about after college... i left to visit my REVILED grandparents and aunt for christmas (which i dont even celebrate, im agnostic), so i was separated from him.  my family and i returned about two days before christmas.  i wanted to spend more time with him, but the holidays were coming up, so there was no time.  a few days after christmas, i went over to my gay friends house to set up wireless internet for his family (he had tried unsuccessfully already).  my little brother actually tagged along, so it was a great time.  my friend called my little brothers phone (i didnt have mine on me) and i answered. it kinda went like this:

"hello?"

"hey, whats up?"

"nothing, luke and i are over at devin's"

"whatcha doin there?"

"fixing his internet...he's gonna go into WoW remissoin if i dont.  so whats up with you?"

"oh, not much, im just eating at Wendy's alone right now"

"alone? that sounds kind of depressing..."

"yea, well..."

"why are you alone?"

"well...its through a series of strange events that all seed from the fact that my dad died about five hours ago"

"OH! thats terrible! how??"

"heart attack..."

and the conversation went on to explain the bitter details, which i'll spare him the sorrow of sharing, but just know that it was really tragic.  it wasnt a huge shock to me...  his dad was kind of big, his diet wasnt very good, and all he ever did was play world of warcraft.  i did feel kind of bad for my friend, but there wasnt anything that i could do but be there for him.  my other friend invited him over to the house and we tried to keep him cheery, which we did.  he took it all really well.  my friend never was one for big melodramatic emotional displays.  over the next few days, i made sure to call him once or twice just to make sure his family was okay and everything.  things went pretty well, until one night when he called me to invite me to whataburger at around 2 a.m.  he picked me up in his truck (i cant drive), and off we went.  now, im not stupid, i read ppl pretty well, and i *may* be a little psychic, so i knew something big was definitely up.  

he started in in his usual manner.  i know him pretty well, and he thinks he knows me, so there werent a whole lot of formalities.   he told me that a girl he takes karate with started showing some romantic interest in him, and that he was interested back.  he wanted my advice, or, at least it seemed like he did.  every single fiber of my being protested against this relationship.  i may be a little biased, since i knew if he got into a relationship, i would become a shadow to him again... but i stand by my decision that she only wanted him for sex...he IS pretty good looking, and the whole karate-blackbelt-macho-manly type of thing was probably a turn on for this chick.  i told him that she wouldnt have even considered asking him if his dad hadnt died recently.... i told him that starting a relationship on the basis of a major death isnt just a bad idea...it screams of bad juju...just a general bad feeling i get when thinking about it...he told me that he wasnt considering her anyway, that it was probably just a passing feeling...  i relaxed..maybe he WOULD listen to me..

at this point, i KNOW you're saying "well of course he didnt, otherwise you wouldnt be so pi**ed at him".  you're right...  he DIDNT listen to me.  now hes in a relationship with her and im a FU**ING SHADOW AGAIN!  JUST LIKE ALWAYS!! JUST LIKE WITH EVERYONE ELSE!!  my little brother only spends time talking to his new boyfriend...  my older brother spends time with me... but its only a matter of time before he, too, starts a new relationship... my other friend is IN a relationship, but its not horribly passionate...more of a casual, long-distance thing...  i just feel so alone right now...i cant sleep without the TV on, otherwise i feel like nobody will ever be there again...i NEED those voices..just to hear that someone else exists.. kinda crazy, huh?  i know it is...

I cant sleep at nighttime...there just isnt enough LIFE...i need to feel like the world is alive before i can sleep..which doesnt go over very well with my parents.... they only measure my worth by how many chores i do in a day..  dont get me wrong, im okay with doing chores.. hell i LIKE sweeping, dusting, and cooking!  but that pressure to perform..that unyielding pressure to produce..day after day after day..i just cant deal with it... all this on top of the fact that i havent written in my novel at ALL this break...just makes me feel like im nobody...like im no one..  like i cant really exist...  i was so independent...now i need ppl to be happy... i need friends around me so that i know that i am NOT alone..  but i dont have anyone that can give me that... its just me

its stupid!! i hate myself for feeling this way... every time i help someone else thats this whiny...i feel just a tiny bit of revulsion...  i wonder why they're so weak that they cant help themselves.. they see me as strong, and they take that strength from me and give it to themselves, and eventually others.... but that fact is that when they dont need me anymore... im left with less, since they took some of my strength..

i care too much for everyone... i care that they arent always happy, that they sometimes fall and need help getting up... the fact is..i CANT let anyone care for me... every day i have to wake up and put on these STUPID MASKS!! FOR EVERYONE!!
I have to be strong for others, i have to be kind and caring and generous!!  theyre HEAVY! when i know someone else is there..its easy to wear them.. like a real actor.. i know that no matter how tired or angry or sad i am.. its not about me.. everything pivots on me..but it ISNT about me.  the show must go on and im only a bit part, but without those small parts, there is no larger show.  but to perform without an audience? i cant.. i dont have enough strength.. im only strong when others arent.  what kind of existence is that?  where the only time that i can live happily is when others arent..  

i just feel awful and alone and forsaken...forsaken for love..

until sunrise,
Myrror the Mad
aka Kitsunebi