Ask and ye shall receive.
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To: All Employees
From: Jasilyn Flyer
Subject: New security measures
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Due to a recent increase in terrorist attacks, senior management has decided it best to increase building security in case someone should try to blow this place to hell. (not that I think many of you underpaid worker bees would care) And so, as CSO, I find it my obligation to inform you of these new security measures.
There are now metal detectors and x-ray, manned by my own security staff I might add, at every enterence to the building. If you somehow manage to smuggle a firearm or explosive device past security, we'll know due to the fact that we monitor cameras.. So before you think about shooting up your office or becoming a martyr, remember: we are watching you.
And thus, if there is anyone that we feel is acting suspicious, we now have the needed authority to search their belongings, and if needed, preform a body-cavity search. Yes, maybe this is stepping a bit over the law, but when you started your job, you signed a contract. Next time people, read the fine print before you signed your name.
Oh yes, we keep tabs on your corporate email. Whether you're emailing your boss, secret lover on the side, or a member of some terrorist network, we'll know. We'll also know what websites you look at. So remember, no matter what you do, whether you be checking your stock portfolio, an online dating site, a terrorist website, or something that's just plain NSFW (i.e. porn), we'll also know, we are an omnicent presence.
By we, I don't mean you and I, and I definately don't mean the rest of senior management. I mean myself... and the rest of my private security force. Not to mention the CrescentCorp Chief of Operations, Cyrus Kale, I always fill him in on situations that require immediate attention. Like terrorists, corporate fraud, and um... the status of my car.
Due to the Corporate Security Act (AKA bill 4471) our security forces are allowed to use military grade weaponry to pretect the employees of this company. Besides the fact that they're likely better euipped and better trained than our nation's military, our security forces are also trained in such things as bomb defusal, CBW disposal, CPR, and dragging people out of burning buildings. (i.e. your sorry asses) Standard equipment for them includes gas masks, the latest in radio technology, and biohazard suits. And would some of you please stop calling them 'corporate gestapo' it gets really annoying after awhile. (you know who you guys are) Should this continue, you can expect firings in a matter of weeks.
Speaking of biohazard suits... in the event of an attack using chemical or biological weapons, proceed to the nearest storage room and obtain yourself your own biohazard suits. Yes, there are enough for everyone, so try not to kill eachother over who gets a suit or not.
Oh yes, before I forget, Kyle Shillindy in HR is offering generous severence packages for terrorists who quit their jobs with this company. Apparently he thinks that if they don't work here when they start blowing up large buildings, we are not legally responsible. But let's remember, Kyle's one of those bureaucratic weenies who runs HR, I seriously doubt that we'd no longer be legally responsible. Note: There will be lawsuits if you say you're a terrorist just so you can get one of those severence packages. My staff will keep tabs on you because, so remember people, fraud is a felony.
Well, remember fellow employees, in the event of a major terrorist attack, you can now say that the company did everything it could to protect you.
Jazy Flyer
Chief Security Officer