One's war for keeping his beliefs  (Read 5546 times)

Offline Taoki

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« on: Apr 03 2006, 06:50 PM »
Well... I dunno where to start... its been allmost one year since I found out I'm a kitsune from the internet. Then, with the help of this forum and some very nice people here I found out more that night.
Still... somehow, things didnt work out like I was hoping they will... since all this time has passed and since i found out... I permanently keep thinking about it and trying to find out more. But... I dunno how to say I just came to a point where I cannot understand anything any more. I know I am either a kitsune either something similar... thow sometimes i used to have doubts... but right now I have moments when I cannot understand what it means any more.
I wish to know more so much... right now I'm very scared about it since... whenever I come here and on messenger it makes me feel everything will be allright, whenever I go away from the computer, I get back in the human's world. What the call the "real" world... for me its like a poison for my mind. And in the last few days people have hardly been online on messenger I dun have too many people to talk to about it right now :(
So yeah... right now I'm trying to figure out what I can see from here... and what will happen after I die. If I'll ever see an furry spirit or if I'll still be living with humans. I know what I tend to want, but not exactly what i want. And fizically around me i have noone to ask about this... my parents, relativer or friends would call me crazy if i'd tell them I'm a furry spirit and defenetly wouldn't know anything about it. I allready tomd my parents I'm not human and they prolly dun say anything bad about it just so i dont feel crazy... curse them they certanly think i'm crazy for staying at the computer too much. I dun think I am but I will need others to tell me if I am crazy or not... I ont know I'm afraid. Afraid of many things. I'm afraid I could just forget about it once due to the world that attacks my mind whenever I am doing something else than either staying here either thinking in quiet about it (if I have an positive point of view that is).
Despite what some might say, being a furry spirit is the only thing that keeps me alive right now. I am slowly starting to get out of the idea of killing myself thow I know I wouldnt do it. If I would right now know that I am an human spirit and all other spirits that care about me are humans... I dont even want to imagine something as horrid as that but I would blow myself up on the spot with the first thing I'd find. Well.. this used to be the only reason for careing for me... in the last months my second reason for being alive is helping those who have the same problem like me. Thow there are not many I need to help others being scared about their beliefs... assure them about what I cannot asure myself. That everything will be allright... and right now as I'm trying to get out of it myself I would make sure it would not in any way influence the way I help others meaning I would never forget about them. I could never last if I'd ever forget about someone like me just to get saved...
So right now I just dont know what to believe and who to ask what I should do... despite the fact that I'm trying so hard to learn more, at the same time I must also find out what I am (witch still scares me) while I'm surrounded by humans who dont even believe me while I have to also make the effort to tolerate what they do to this world for millions of years. Then again I'm also afraid that if someone would find this forum they could think I am crazy and lock me in if they see I say I'm a kitsune... and many things really I'm too damn tired to remember all I can hardly think of anything right now and tomorrow morning I will prolly be sorry for making this post so I'd better finish it tonight while I'm too tired to be able to feel sorry for what I'm writing.
Even now I'm afraid of how I'll be feeling after I leave this computer and this forum. Its 2 AM now... I'm still writing... and tomorrow while I'll not be here I will spend my time drugging my mind with this human-made world while I'm struggling to not let it go to my mind... and I think at the same time what would happen if my internet connection would get cutt off and I wouldnt be able to get back here and on messenger. Nobody would ever be able to tell me anything about me being kitsune again I would be doomed here without having who and what to ask. It would be worse than being... cut off every day but knowing someone directs you... it would feel like beieing doomed for an eternity. And when I think noone around me here could understand that... and neither do I know whats happening... I just want this deceit to end... and the internet is my only hope it seems since I dunno how I'll do this by myself and if i can. Thow... if my parents are right, i will eventually end up on the streets since I dont have the grave 8 school exam. An human-made piece of paper witch everyone seems to workship behind my stunned eyes. And as a side note, I would also like to ask people here who thinks that because I dont have my Grave 8 school exam I am an retard, an degenarate and witch one of you would never talk to me again knowing i dont have anough school. If my parents are right, everyone will consider me an retard for not having and not even intending to get my school exam, not going to school any more and noone would want to have anything to do with me. Please tell me if you consider me an degenerate for this...
So... to end this... I just need help... to find out what I am and where I will go after I die... and all the answers to these questions. I will do all that I can to keep believing everything but I feel the chain getting tighter around me... like I can feel myself staying hidden under a desk while I can hear the army coming closer to hunt me down. I'm feeling like hell now... 4-5 hours I'm feeling normal somnehow happy being optimisting and hoping something will happen and in the next 5 hours I'm feeling awful...  and newer, its starting to hunt me during night... I dont have bad dreams very often I just sleep very bad... like I have my soul impaled... and too much adrenaline... I woke up around 6 AM today I think I still have pains in the back of my neck... and if you look at my eyes you can see I'm not sleeping too much... I alwais feel like staying up late and trying to wonder around the internet instead of going to bed.
So, sorry for making this so long and thank you if you had the patience to read it all... I just had to write it to someone to not write it with a shotgun on the damn wall. Its months and months since I have to solve all this by myself... I needed to put it somewhere dammit! And thank you very much if you care. To be honest I'm a little afraid to read the replies to this... and I'm not actually worrying about what some people might post just to make fun about it hell with everything I've got on myself now I think I would laugh at that :) ... but... I'm just afraid of what I will need to do... so I'm closing this now and going to bed. I would like to add many things here right now but I dont know how to write them in words... at least not now... so I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow. - Mircea

Offline Kentenko saiyan warrior

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #1 on: Apr 03 2006, 07:44 PM »
Geeze No feeling like that!!!
Free your spirit! Find your place!

Offline Voncloud

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #2 on: Apr 04 2006, 09:26 AM »
Ill talk to you in messenger
"The rules of Balence
Light cannot exsist without Dark.
Black and White
Day and night
Love and Hate
Life and Death.
These are the princeples of life"

Offline M.C.

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #3 on: Apr 05 2006, 08:36 PM »
Sounds like you need help.

Offline EXOGGEDDEN

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #4 on: Apr 07 2006, 07:29 AM »
Quote
Sounds like you need help.
[snapback]15647[/snapback]
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Offline Kentenko saiyan warrior

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #5 on: Apr 08 2006, 01:48 PM »
Quote
Quote
Sounds like you need help.
[snapback]15647[/snapback]
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[snapback]15686[/snapback]

That shit ain't funny at all...
Free your spirit! Find your place!

Offline Voncloud

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #6 on: Apr 08 2006, 05:26 PM »
Ignore them, they have nothing better to do so leave them to it.
"The rules of Balence
Light cannot exsist without Dark.
Black and White
Day and night
Love and Hate
Life and Death.
These are the princeples of life"

Offline shippou

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #7 on: Apr 14 2006, 10:57 PM »
First off, to those assholes calling you crazy, go jump in a fuckin lake. And to you Mirca, I really wish I could answer those questions for you, but people, Human and Therian alike have been asking them sience  the beging of time and are yet to find the answers.
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear."-Mark Twain

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."-Mark Twain

"Don't let schooling interfere with your education."-Mark Twain

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."-Albert Einstein

Offline Taoki

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #8 on: Apr 15 2006, 02:55 AM »
Thank you, guys, you're very nice. And dont worry about what M.C. posted I actually found that funny ^^ just know that people don't go there for believing, feeling and thinking something differently.
Now it's probably that I'm trying to find those answers too hard because I can't... I just want them to be sure I am what I want to be forever... wish so much I could see and understand more then this miserable world humans have made...

Offline Roland Voidheart

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #9 on: Feb 24 2008, 01:40 PM »
This world is poison to the heart. My heart was such a frail thing too...
Home
Returning from somewhere, to someplace safe
And for once as you watch the color of the sunset as it paints the walls
And you are not living in a memory; you are vital and alive, you are at peace; you are godlike
And you are safe, and that moment will last in a place in your mind
And there is no pain, and you forget what it feels like
And you can see, how it could be
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
╔═╦╗╔╦╦╦╦╦╦═╦═╗
║═╣║║║╔╣╔╣║═╣╚╣
║╔╣╚╝║║║║║║═╬╗║
╚╝╚══╩╝╚╝╚╩═╩═╝

Offline PrinceKuro

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #10 on: Feb 24 2008, 08:28 PM »
Go back to school, please.  It's hard, but that education will help you in EVERY facet of life, even the spiritual.
Nyah.

Offline Taoki

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #11 on: Mar 01 2008, 06:27 AM »
That was really uncalled for, Kuro. If I remember right you used to feel like that too in the past. Also school is a bad place, never encourage it :confident: And yeah Kitsune Samurai, I know many of us feel that way and I understand that.

Wow... been two years since I made this topic. Almost can't believe how I was like when I read such old posts of mine now and remember. The way I'm feeling now changed so much since then, and my whole perception of life shifted. And not really in better either *nods*
« Last Edit: Mar 01 2008, 06:29 AM by Taoki »

Offline Kentenko saiyan warrior

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #12 on: Mar 01 2008, 01:13 PM »
Well now that I think about it where have you been mostly? Besides uploading furry porn avatar's...
Free your spirit! Find your place!

Offline Roland Voidheart

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #13 on: Mar 02 2008, 01:20 PM »
Quote
Well now that I think about it where have you been mostly? Besides uploading furry porn avatar's...
[snapback]43643[/snapback]

I liked your old picture better...
Home
Returning from somewhere, to someplace safe
And for once as you watch the color of the sunset as it paints the walls
And you are not living in a memory; you are vital and alive, you are at peace; you are godlike
And you are safe, and that moment will last in a place in your mind
And there is no pain, and you forget what it feels like
And you can see, how it could be
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
╔═╦╗╔╦╦╦╦╦╦═╦═╗
║═╣║║║╔╣╔╣║═╣╚╣
║╔╣╚╝║║║║║║═╬╗║
╚╝╚══╩╝╚╝╚╩═╩═╝

Offline Taoki

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One's war for keeping his beliefs
« Reply #14 on: Mar 02 2008, 06:12 PM »
Quote
Well now that I think about it where have you been mostly? Besides uploading furry porn avatar's...
[snapback]43643[/snapback]

You meant about me? If so, indeed I haven't been around KP much since Kitsuhana came... a thing for which I'm sorry as this is the first place where the other kitsunes found me and took me too.

And fyi, my avatar is not furry porn. That's actually a candy cane, though it may indeed appear differently on a resized version ^^
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