Well... I dunno where to start... its been allmost one year since I found out I'm a kitsune from the internet. Then, with the help of this forum and some very nice people here I found out more that night.
Still... somehow, things didnt work out like I was hoping they will... since all this time has passed and since i found out... I permanently keep thinking about it and trying to find out more. But... I dunno how to say I just came to a point where I cannot understand anything any more. I know I am either a kitsune either something similar... thow sometimes i used to have doubts... but right now I have moments when I cannot understand what it means any more.
I wish to know more so much... right now I'm very scared about it since... whenever I come here and on messenger it makes me feel everything will be allright, whenever I go away from the computer, I get back in the human's world. What the call the "real" world... for me its like a poison for my mind. And in the last few days people have hardly been online on messenger I dun have too many people to talk to about it right now :(
So yeah... right now I'm trying to figure out what I can see from here... and what will happen after I die. If I'll ever see an furry spirit or if I'll still be living with humans. I know what I tend to want, but not exactly what i want. And fizically around me i have noone to ask about this... my parents, relativer or friends would call me crazy if i'd tell them I'm a furry spirit and defenetly wouldn't know anything about it. I allready tomd my parents I'm not human and they prolly dun say anything bad about it just so i dont feel crazy... curse them they certanly think i'm crazy for staying at the computer too much. I dun think I am but I will need others to tell me if I am crazy or not... I ont know I'm afraid. Afraid of many things. I'm afraid I could just forget about it once due to the world that attacks my mind whenever I am doing something else than either staying here either thinking in quiet about it (if I have an positive point of view that is).
Despite what some might say, being a furry spirit is the only thing that keeps me alive right now. I am slowly starting to get out of the idea of killing myself thow I know I wouldnt do it. If I would right now know that I am an human spirit and all other spirits that care about me are humans... I dont even want to imagine something as horrid as that but I would blow myself up on the spot with the first thing I'd find. Well.. this used to be the only reason for careing for me... in the last months my second reason for being alive is helping those who have the same problem like me. Thow there are not many I need to help others being scared about their beliefs... assure them about what I cannot asure myself. That everything will be allright... and right now as I'm trying to get out of it myself I would make sure it would not in any way influence the way I help others meaning I would never forget about them. I could never last if I'd ever forget about someone like me just to get saved...
So right now I just dont know what to believe and who to ask what I should do... despite the fact that I'm trying so hard to learn more, at the same time I must also find out what I am (witch still scares me) while I'm surrounded by humans who dont even believe me while I have to also make the effort to tolerate what they do to this world for millions of years. Then again I'm also afraid that if someone would find this forum they could think I am crazy and lock me in if they see I say I'm a kitsune... and many things really I'm too damn tired to remember all I can hardly think of anything right now and tomorrow morning I will prolly be sorry for making this post so I'd better finish it tonight while I'm too tired to be able to feel sorry for what I'm writing.
Even now I'm afraid of how I'll be feeling after I leave this computer and this forum. Its 2 AM now... I'm still writing... and tomorrow while I'll not be here I will spend my time drugging my mind with this human-made world while I'm struggling to not let it go to my mind... and I think at the same time what would happen if my internet connection would get cutt off and I wouldnt be able to get back here and on messenger. Nobody would ever be able to tell me anything about me being kitsune again I would be doomed here without having who and what to ask. It would be worse than being... cut off every day but knowing someone directs you... it would feel like beieing doomed for an eternity. And when I think noone around me here could understand that... and neither do I know whats happening... I just want this deceit to end... and the internet is my only hope it seems since I dunno how I'll do this by myself and if i can. Thow... if my parents are right, i will eventually end up on the streets since I dont have the grave 8 school exam. An human-made piece of paper witch everyone seems to workship behind my stunned eyes. And as a side note, I would also like to ask people here who thinks that because I dont have my Grave 8 school exam I am an retard, an degenarate and witch one of you would never talk to me again knowing i dont have anough school. If my parents are right, everyone will consider me an retard for not having and not even intending to get my school exam, not going to school any more and noone would want to have anything to do with me. Please tell me if you consider me an degenerate for this...
So... to end this... I just need help... to find out what I am and where I will go after I die... and all the answers to these questions. I will do all that I can to keep believing everything but I feel the chain getting tighter around me... like I can feel myself staying hidden under a desk while I can hear the army coming closer to hunt me down. I'm feeling like hell now... 4-5 hours I'm feeling normal somnehow happy being optimisting and hoping something will happen and in the next 5 hours I'm feeling awful... and newer, its starting to hunt me during night... I dont have bad dreams very often I just sleep very bad... like I have my soul impaled... and too much adrenaline... I woke up around 6 AM today I think I still have pains in the back of my neck... and if you look at my eyes you can see I'm not sleeping too much... I alwais feel like staying up late and trying to wonder around the internet instead of going to bed.
So, sorry for making this so long and thank you if you had the patience to read it all... I just had to write it to someone to not write it with a shotgun on the damn wall. Its months and months since I have to solve all this by myself... I needed to put it somewhere dammit! And thank you very much if you care. To be honest I'm a little afraid to read the replies to this... and I'm not actually worrying about what some people might post just to make fun about it hell with everything I've got on myself now I think I would laugh at that
... but... I'm just afraid of what I will need to do... so I'm closing this now and going to bed. I would like to add many things here right now but I dont know how to write them in words... at least not now... so I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow. - Mircea