Kitsuria Network
The Lounge => The Gallery => Topic started by: Queen Chibi on Feb 25 2009, 07:26 AM
-
This is one of a series of memos drifting around the fictional company Crescent Corporation in my furry stories.
Some of them can seem absurd to the point of bizarrity, I understand that. Let me explain: They're all idiots.
__________
From: The Network Admin
To: All New Employees
Subject: Welcome!!!
______
Hello, new computer techs!!!
My name is Gemini Scyers, I'm your local mainframe admin. Not to mention the person you'll come to hate the most. Because I have access to all the cameras, I can see everything you do wrong, so you can guarantee that I will know all of your mistakes and dirty little secrets. And you can on occasion, count on me to CYA, which is why you shouldn't piss me off.
Your direct boss is Donald Henderson, the systems supervisor. He claims to be some sort of hacking god, but let's face it, he knows crap about computers. He's a bureucrat put down here by some moron in HR who thought that all you need to know about computers is how to plug them in and turn them on. If you need help with the network, then I'm your goddess, worship me.
Interested in the competence of those above you? Well who should I start with... Well, how about your boss Donald. (he's a dotted-line boss for me.) Donny claims to be some super hacking god but he's not. In fact, he knocked himself unconscious while plugging in his computer because he didn't even know how they are supposed to be plugged in. Send all info to him in memo format, he doesn't do email. (I'm the only exception, and he has his secretary answer my emails)
Are there problems with upper management? You bet. Lillianne Delfina Rantern, she's the head of the PR department, avoid her at all costs, she commonly reports those she doesn't like not to HR, but to Jasilyn, the CSO. (Chief Security Officer) They are friends after all, so why not point out the mistakes of others? (and get them escorted out by security)
And how about our CEO, Carlie Taylor? She's always lurking around somewhere. You can guarantee she'll pop up at the most inopportune time. And then there's her daughter Ferona... Ferona embezzles money from the company, hundreds of millions of it in fact. So when the SEC comes asking questions, whe know who to point the blame to, right?
As for Warren Maeko, the CFO. He's corrupt too. Since he controls the purse strings of the company, he knows everything that happens with the company's finances and covers up Ferona's actions for some odd reason. There's an office pool on whether the two are having an affair, cast your bet today!
Ah, Elliot Burke, the Chairman of the Board of Directors... the greedy moron's trying to knock Carlie out of her place as CEO. But we all know he cheats on his wife with her twin sister, we attend the holiday parties.
And Jasilyn Flyer, the CSO? She's your best friend along with Cyrus Kale, the Chief of Operations. They're never really around but can be counted on to CYA. Just remember though, don't damage Jasilyn's car, then you're fired for sure. (and remember to call her Jazy, she prefers that name)
I'm not even gonna talk about Kyle Shillindy, the HR Director. For those of you unlucky enough to work on the 35th floor... If you end up as fire warden on the floor, please, try and leave Kyle in his office in the event of a major fire. Alot of people would worship you should you do so.
If you're smart enough where you have to deal with Terrance Foster, the head of R&D, on a regular basis, do remember not to give him de-caf... but between you and me, the last four people who did got a six-digit out of court settlement after he smashed a coffee mug over their heads. Can you say: golden parachute?
Oh! And try and keep your workspaces clean, our chief engineer Forrest Tyker really frowns on a messy workspace, something about how it's a structural problem. Don't believe him, he's full of crap. A lil birdie told me he cuts corners on renovations. His ex-wife even served him divorce papers on the job. It's something you just had to see to believe.
Well, now that all that's said and done, welcome to the Crescent Corporation. Enjoy your employment and try not to get yourself fired.
Black Gemini
-
Will there be more of these posted here? :3
-
Ask and ye shall receive.
__________
To: All Employees
From: Jasilyn Flyer
Subject: New security measures
______
Due to a recent increase in terrorist attacks, senior management has decided it best to increase building security in case someone should try to blow this place to hell. (not that I think many of you underpaid worker bees would care) And so, as CSO, I find it my obligation to inform you of these new security measures.
There are now metal detectors and x-ray, manned by my own security staff I might add, at every enterence to the building. If you somehow manage to smuggle a firearm or explosive device past security, we'll know due to the fact that we monitor cameras.. So before you think about shooting up your office or becoming a martyr, remember: we are watching you.
And thus, if there is anyone that we feel is acting suspicious, we now have the needed authority to search their belongings, and if needed, preform a body-cavity search. Yes, maybe this is stepping a bit over the law, but when you started your job, you signed a contract. Next time people, read the fine print before you signed your name.
Oh yes, we keep tabs on your corporate email. Whether you're emailing your boss, secret lover on the side, or a member of some terrorist network, we'll know. We'll also know what websites you look at. So remember, no matter what you do, whether you be checking your stock portfolio, an online dating site, a terrorist website, or something that's just plain NSFW (i.e. porn), we'll also know, we are an omnicent presence.
By we, I don't mean you and I, and I definately don't mean the rest of senior management. I mean myself... and the rest of my private security force. Not to mention the CrescentCorp Chief of Operations, Cyrus Kale, I always fill him in on situations that require immediate attention. Like terrorists, corporate fraud, and um... the status of my car.
Due to the Corporate Security Act (AKA bill 4471) our security forces are allowed to use military grade weaponry to pretect the employees of this company. Besides the fact that they're likely better euipped and better trained than our nation's military, our security forces are also trained in such things as bomb defusal, CBW disposal, CPR, and dragging people out of burning buildings. (i.e. your sorry asses) Standard equipment for them includes gas masks, the latest in radio technology, and biohazard suits. And would some of you please stop calling them 'corporate gestapo' it gets really annoying after awhile. (you know who you guys are) Should this continue, you can expect firings in a matter of weeks.
Speaking of biohazard suits... in the event of an attack using chemical or biological weapons, proceed to the nearest storage room and obtain yourself your own biohazard suits. Yes, there are enough for everyone, so try not to kill eachother over who gets a suit or not.
Oh yes, before I forget, Kyle Shillindy in HR is offering generous severence packages for terrorists who quit their jobs with this company. Apparently he thinks that if they don't work here when they start blowing up large buildings, we are not legally responsible. But let's remember, Kyle's one of those bureaucratic weenies who runs HR, I seriously doubt that we'd no longer be legally responsible. Note: There will be lawsuits if you say you're a terrorist just so you can get one of those severence packages. My staff will keep tabs on you because, so remember people, fraud is a felony.
Well, remember fellow employees, in the event of a major terrorist attack, you can now say that the company did everything it could to protect you.
Jazy Flyer
Chief Security Officer