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Samui: cool Apr 18 2020, 01:04 PM

Kira Resari: I just found out that Tamamo no Mae is featured in Gegege no Kitaro. Here's her first appearance. =^,^= https://www.gogoanime1.com/watch/gegege-no-kitarou-2018/episode/episode-74 Apr 18 2020, 05:04 AM

Glacia: Samui became the new champion of Nanaca Crash with a score of 4949.85! Mar 14 2020, 05:03 PM

Kira Resari: Aaaand, that's it with my fox shrine thread! Crud, it fell jsut short of 100,000 "views" =^,~'= Dec 14 2019, 09:12 AM

Kira Resari: Yay! The new Pokémon feature new foxes! Soon I can build a team entirely composed from different fox Pokémon =^,^= https://serebii.net/pokedex-swsh/thievul/ Nov 17 2019, 01:11 AM

Kira Resari: Today features the climax of my Japanese spiritual fox experience with an epic ceremony at Toyokawa Inari Betsuin Nov 03 2019, 01:11 AM

Kira Resari: I also wrote/am still writing a blog about all that: http://kiraresari.blogspot.com/ Oct 10 2019, 07:10 AM

Kira Resari: If you check the dates of my Shrine Visits, you'll notice quite a number of gaps which are the days I worked on. =^,^= Oct 10 2019, 07:10 AM

Kira Resari: Not quite. I spent the last two years doing working holidays of New Zealand and Japan. =^,^= Oct 10 2019, 07:10 AM

Queen Chibi: I'm kind of curious how this works Oct 10 2019, 04:10 AM

Queen Chibi: ... so are you just wealthy enough to tour shrines or something? Oct 10 2019, 04:10 AM

Kira Resari: And today: Toyokawa, the Town of Vulpinity =^,^= Oct 08 2019, 01:10 AM

Kira Resari: Featuring today, the shrine with the highest concentrations of foxes in all of Japan: Reigitsunedsuka ~ The Spirit Fox Den =^,^= Oct 03 2019, 12:10 AM

Glacia: Samui became the new champion of X-Training I with a score of 16.25! Sep 28 2019, 01:09 PM

Glacia: Samui became the new champion of X-Training I with a score of 1.958! Sep 28 2019, 01:09 PM

Glacia: Samui became the new champion of Nanaca Crash with a score of 3618.16! Sep 28 2019, 01:09 PM

Glacia: Samui became the new champion of Knife Throw with a score of 1690! Sep 28 2019, 12:09 PM

Glacia: Samui became the new champion of Knife with a score of 32! Sep 24 2019, 09:09 PM

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Glacia: Samui became the new champion of Jewels with a score of 32985! Sep 22 2019, 11:09 PM

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Kira Resari: Twitch is another of those things that completely passed me by. I suppose I'm just an old-fashioned fox =^,~'= Sep 17 2019, 01:09 AM

Samui: I'm slowly working on an update for the main page's Twitch listing to pull channels from that field. It's a bit of a transition to an eventual overhaul. Sep 15 2019, 11:09 PM

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Glacia: Queen Chibi became the new champion of Cubefield with a score of 461760! Sep 11 2019, 04:09 AM

Kira Resari: There will be at least one web browser that is still going to support it, because people will still want to play flash games, and whatever browser supports it will get the influx of those people =^,^= Sep 11 2019, 12:09 AM

Queen Chibi: some browsers won't let you play flash games unless you have a current versions Sep 10 2019, 05:09 PM

Author Topic: Beta Needed  (Read 3399 times)

Offline Kentenko saiyan warrior

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Beta Needed
« on: Sep 19 2008, 04:25 PM »
I need someone who can beta for me my stories. What that means is I need someone to look at the stories I Put up and offer suggestions and spelling corrections! Please I need someone to do this for me...

To the Outerworld
Author: Soul Teller
Rating: T may be M in Future currently unsure...
Summary: A follow-up to Tag, Miria and the others begin their attack on the Organization, they are offered help from an unlikely source.
A/N: Make it longer... hmmmm... I'll try but that's about it... CHAPTER 3

Chapter 3
The Alliance

Isley looked at the piece of meat that was speared by the fork and he opened his mouth, and took a bit. "Mmmm... mm... mmmmmm, delicious as always Raki. Your cooking is truly first class, much better then the chefs at my estate..." Isley said his eyes closed a light smile on his lips. Father Pario looked intrigued at this piece of information.

"Estate you say? Are you a lord?" Isley opened his eye's to look at the man the light smile still there.

"I guess you could call me a lord of sorts." Isley said bowing his head slightly, Helen gave a scoff at this.

"Yeah lord of monsters if you ask me..." she mumbled, Deneve just shook her head, Miria stared at Isley. Isleys eye's turned to the rogue Claymores.

"Is something the matter? You don't look too happy at all." Isley said his smile fading to a look of worry. Raki who had been sitting next to Isley smacked a hand to his head. Sure Isley was powerful and all but sometimes Raki wondered if he was really as smart as they said. There was an uncomfortable silence that hung in the air.

"I'm curious..." All eye's turned to Clare who was now leaning forward slightly. "How is it that you met Raki?" Isley stared at her no smile, no anything just a blank stare.

"Well if you wish to know... it was Raki who met me." Isley said Clare raised an eyebrow at this and turned her eye's to Raki who just scratched his head. "He was alone at the time and looked as if he had been through a rather major ordeal. I took him home and fed him. Soon afterwards he wanted to learn the way of the sword." Isley said, he then leaned back into his chair. "At first I was skeptical but I had underestimated the measures he would take to learn the way of the sword." Isley said.

"I've heard rumors of your particular fighting style, you gave it no name but other's called it 'Dancing Heaven' due to it's graceful and powerful movements." Miria said, the corners of Isley's mouth twitched slightly.

"Yes that was it's name... I taught Raki the basics, the rest is his own style of fighting. His swordsmanship is highly impressive... out of all the sparring sessions we had 5 times he got close to defeating me." This caused all eye's to turn to Raki.

"What?" He said rather aggressively, Helen raised her eyebrows and then she burst out laughing.

"You're saying that he could beat all of us if he wanted. HA HA HA! That's a good joke!" She said laughing, however Isley was staring at her his eye's cold.

"Do you really want to try him?" Isley said his voice cool, Helen stopped laughing a large grin on her face.

"Sure this'll be cake!" Helen said standing up and grabbing her claymore which was leaning on the wall with the other swords. Raki sighed then he looked at Isley.

"Go wild boy..." Isley said smiling, Raki blinked then a rather dark smirk came to his mouth. Raki stood up and grabbed his sword, following Helen out while the other's looked after them. "Try not to kill her." Raki just sighed.

"Of course not! I'm just gonna bruise her!" Raki said, smiling lightly. The other Claymore raised their eyebrows at this and went outside to watch the fight. Father Pario looked from the Claymores to Isley and back.

"You should stay here father and make plans to rebuild some buildings. This is going to get very loud and messy." Isley said reaching forward for his cup of tea and gently sipping it.

All eye's were on the two fighters' Raki with his sword in one hand while Helen held hers with both hands. Raki smirked and set himself to a rather low stance, the blade set in a reverse grip in his hand and his legs spread wide. "Ready?" He asked, Helen just charged forward raising her sword high and sending it down. Raki swung upward with his own sword and there was an unusually loud clang as the two blade met, Helen actually flying upward from the impact. Raki just slid on the ground sword looping around and coming back onto his back. Helen fell onto her back and quickly looked up to see Raki standing there a grin on his face. "You okay?" He asked innocently, Helen snarled and got back to her feet. She released one hand from her sword and placed it on her arm.

"Eat this!" She roared and her arm shot forward extending toward Raki like an arrow. Raki looked at the arm then he jumped over it and landed on the one foot stomping on her arm while the other slammed into the ground. Raki then held up his sword and stabbed it into her arm.

This is what I want betaed...
« Last Edit: Sep 19 2008, 04:39 PM by Kentenko saiyan warrior »
Free your spirit! Find your place!


Offline Kitsunebi

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Beta Needed
« Reply #1 on: Jan 20 2009, 04:42 AM »
Chapter 3
The Alliance

Isley examined the piece of meat speared by his fork, opened his mouth, and sampled a bit. (Just a bit of word choice and syntax in this paragraph.)

"Mmmm... mm... mmmmmm, delicious as always, Raki. Your cooking is truly first class; much better then the chefs at my estate," Isley said, his eyes closed in ecstasy, a light smile on his lips. Father Pario appeared intrigued by this morsel of information. (More word choice and syntax here.  I tried to continue the food-centered tone here by choosing words related to dining.  Don't forget that every new quotation merits a new paragraph.)

"'Estate' you say? Are you a lord?" Isley opened his eyes to look at the priest(?), the ghost of a smile still haunting his face. (Word choice. Is Father Pario a priest? If so, referring to him as one can clear up any pronoun confusion.)

"I suppose you could call me a lord of sorts." Isley said bowing his head slightly. Helen scoffed at this. (Word choice.  My impression of these characters tells me that they are somewhat sophisticated.  If so, you should choose words that make them sound that way.)

"Yeah. Lord of monsters if you asked me..." she mumbled. Deneve shook her head while Miria stared at Isley. Isley's eyes turned to the rogue Claymores. (A bit of syntax.  Also, you might wish to reword how you introduce the Claymores.  I'm assuming that this refers to the group of rogues known as the Claymores, but there is little reference to them by this name.  Introducing them as the Claymores might alleviate this confusion.)

"Is something the matter?" Isley inquired, his smile fading to a look of worry, "You don't look too happy at all."  Raki, who had been sitting next to Isley, smacked a hand to his head. Sure Isley was powerful and all, but sometimes he wondered if his friend was really as smart as they said. There was an uncomfortable silence that hung in the air.  (When a character asks a question, they don't say it; they ask it.  Other than that, just more syntax.)

"I'm curious..." All eye's turned to Clare who was now leaning forward slightly, "How is it that you met Raki?" Isley stared at her, all feeling leaving usually emotive face.

"Well if you wish to know... it was Raki who met me." Isley said. At this, Clare raised an eyebrow and turned her eyes to Raki,  who merely scratched his head. "He was alone at the time and looked as if he had been through a rather trying ordeal. I brought him home and fed him. Soon afterwords, he approached me, saying that he wanted to learn the way of the sword." Isley explained. He then leaned back into his chair. "At first I was skeptical, but I had underestimated his persistence." (Word choice and syntax.  Same old, same old.)

"I've heard rumors of your particular fighting style. You gave it no name, but others called it 'Dancing Heaven' due to it's graceful, yet powerful movements." Miria said. The corners of Isley's mouth twitched slightly.

"Yes that was it's name... I taught Raki the basics; the rest is his own style of fighting. His swordsmanship is highly impressive. Out of all the sparring sessions we had, he got close to defeating me five times."

All eyes to turn to Raki. (This statement is bold.  I would make it it's own paragraph for effect.  Also, numerals, i.e. 1, 2, 3, etc., are generally inappropriate for writing.  You can look up the rules for using them on the internet.)

"What?" He demanded, defensive. Helen raised her eyebrows before bursting out in laughter.

"You're saying that he could beat all of us if he wanted. HA HA HA! That's a good joke!" She said, tears streaming from her eyes.  Isley was staring at her, his eyes cold. (You might want to slow this down.  Maybe mention Helen's reaction to Isley's stare?)

"Would you care to try your skill against him?" Isley said, his voice cool. Helen's laughter died down, although a large grin still remained steadfast on her face.

"Sure! This'll be cake!" Helen said as she stood. She retrieved her claymore from the pile of swords that stood leaning on the wall.

"Go wild boy..." Isley muttered, smiling. Raki blinked once, and his mouth twisted into a rather dark smirk. Raki stood and grabbed his own sword, following Helen out while the others looked after them.

"Try not to kill her," Isley called.  Raki sighed.

"Of course I won't! I'm just gonna bruise her!" Raki replied, still smirking. The other Claymores raised their eyebrows and followed outside to watch the fight. Father Pario gazed from the Claymores to Isley and back.

"You should stay here Father and make plans for renovations on some buildings. This is going to get very loud and very messy," Isley warned, reaching forward for his cup of tea and gently sipping it.

All eyes were on the two fighters; Raki with his sword in one hand while Helen held hers with both hands. Raki smirked and set himself in a low stance, the blade set in a reverse grip in his hand and his legs spread wide.

"Ready?" he asked. In response, Helen charged forward, raising her sword high before swinging it down. Raki swung upward with his own sword and there was a loud clang as the two blade met. Helen flew upward from the force of the impact. Raki slid on the ground, his sword looping around before he set it against his back. Helen fell onto her back and looked up just in time to see Raki standing over her, a smug grin on his face.

"You okay?" he asked innocently. Helen snarled and twisted back to her feet. She released one hand from her sword and placed it on her arm.

"Eat this!" she roared as her arm shot forward, extending toward Raki like an arrow. Raki reflexively jumped and landed on it with catlike grace.  Helen's arm fell to the ground, limp. Raki then held up his sword and stabbed it, effectively disabling her arm.

I like your choreography!  This fight scene is action packed and interesting to read.  All in all, this excerpt is well written but for a few syntax and word choice problems.  The good news is that you tend to make the same mistakes over and over again, which means that you simply need to change those habits.  Try to expand your vocabulary as you write.  I'm not sure what program you use to type, but Microsoft Word has a built in thesaurus function that comes in really handy!  If you don't use Word, you can always find a thesaurus online or in a bookstore.  Colorful words help keep the reader interested and awake, and they make you look smarter!  Keep up the good work!  I look forward to seeing the rest of this story!

(NOTE:  Please keep in mind that the revisions that I have made are merely suggestions.  If you see something that doesn't agree with your vision of the story, take it out!  You're the writer and you have creative license!  Everything that I have changed simply my interpretation of the vision in your head.)