Chapter 3
The Alliance
Isley examined the piece of meat speared by his fork, opened his mouth, and sampled a bit. (Just a bit of word choice and syntax in this paragraph.)
"Mmmm... mm... mmmmmm, delicious as always, Raki. Your cooking is truly first class; much better then the chefs at my estate," Isley said, his eyes closed in ecstasy, a light smile on his lips. Father Pario appeared intrigued by this morsel of information. (More word choice and syntax here. I tried to continue the food-centered tone here by choosing words related to dining. Don't forget that every new quotation merits a new paragraph.)
"'Estate' you say? Are you a lord?" Isley opened his eyes to look at the priest(?), the ghost of a smile still haunting his face. (Word choice. Is Father Pario a priest? If so, referring to him as one can clear up any pronoun confusion.)
"I suppose you could call me a lord of sorts." Isley said bowing his head slightly. Helen scoffed at this. (Word choice. My impression of these characters tells me that they are somewhat sophisticated. If so, you should choose words that make them sound that way.)
"Yeah. Lord of monsters if you asked me..." she mumbled. Deneve shook her head while Miria stared at Isley. Isley's eyes turned to the rogue Claymores. (A bit of syntax. Also, you might wish to reword how you introduce the Claymores. I'm assuming that this refers to the group of rogues known as the Claymores, but there is little reference to them by this name. Introducing them as the Claymores might alleviate this confusion.)
"Is something the matter?" Isley inquired, his smile fading to a look of worry, "You don't look too happy at all." Raki, who had been sitting next to Isley, smacked a hand to his head. Sure Isley was powerful and all, but sometimes he wondered if his friend was really as smart as they said. There was an uncomfortable silence that hung in the air. (When a character asks a question, they don't say it; they ask it. Other than that, just more syntax.)
"I'm curious..." All eye's turned to Clare who was now leaning forward slightly, "How is it that you met Raki?" Isley stared at her, all feeling leaving usually emotive face.
"Well if you wish to know... it was Raki who met me." Isley said. At this, Clare raised an eyebrow and turned her eyes to Raki, who merely scratched his head. "He was alone at the time and looked as if he had been through a rather trying ordeal. I brought him home and fed him. Soon afterwords, he approached me, saying that he wanted to learn the way of the sword." Isley explained. He then leaned back into his chair. "At first I was skeptical, but I had underestimated his persistence." (Word choice and syntax. Same old, same old.)
"I've heard rumors of your particular fighting style. You gave it no name, but others called it 'Dancing Heaven' due to it's graceful, yet powerful movements." Miria said. The corners of Isley's mouth twitched slightly.
"Yes that was it's name... I taught Raki the basics; the rest is his own style of fighting. His swordsmanship is highly impressive. Out of all the sparring sessions we had, he got close to defeating me five times."
All eyes to turn to Raki. (This statement is bold. I would make it it's own paragraph for effect. Also, numerals, i.e. 1, 2, 3, etc., are generally inappropriate for writing. You can look up the rules for using them on the internet.)
"What?" He demanded, defensive. Helen raised her eyebrows before bursting out in laughter.
"You're saying that he could beat all of us if he wanted. HA HA HA! That's a good joke!" She said, tears streaming from her eyes. Isley was staring at her, his eyes cold. (You might want to slow this down. Maybe mention Helen's reaction to Isley's stare?)
"Would you care to try your skill against him?" Isley said, his voice cool. Helen's laughter died down, although a large grin still remained steadfast on her face.
"Sure! This'll be cake!" Helen said as she stood. She retrieved her claymore from the pile of swords that stood leaning on the wall.
"Go wild boy..." Isley muttered, smiling. Raki blinked once, and his mouth twisted into a rather dark smirk. Raki stood and grabbed his own sword, following Helen out while the others looked after them.
"Try not to kill her," Isley called. Raki sighed.
"Of course I won't! I'm just gonna bruise her!" Raki replied, still smirking. The other Claymores raised their eyebrows and followed outside to watch the fight. Father Pario gazed from the Claymores to Isley and back.
"You should stay here Father and make plans for renovations on some buildings. This is going to get very loud and very messy," Isley warned, reaching forward for his cup of tea and gently sipping it.
All eyes were on the two fighters; Raki with his sword in one hand while Helen held hers with both hands. Raki smirked and set himself in a low stance, the blade set in a reverse grip in his hand and his legs spread wide.
"Ready?" he asked. In response, Helen charged forward, raising her sword high before swinging it down. Raki swung upward with his own sword and there was a loud clang as the two blade met. Helen flew upward from the force of the impact. Raki slid on the ground, his sword looping around before he set it against his back. Helen fell onto her back and looked up just in time to see Raki standing over her, a smug grin on his face.
"You okay?" he asked innocently. Helen snarled and twisted back to her feet. She released one hand from her sword and placed it on her arm.
"Eat this!" she roared as her arm shot forward, extending toward Raki like an arrow. Raki reflexively jumped and landed on it with catlike grace. Helen's arm fell to the ground, limp. Raki then held up his sword and stabbed it, effectively disabling her arm.
I like your choreography! This fight scene is action packed and interesting to read. All in all, this excerpt is well written but for a few syntax and word choice problems. The good news is that you tend to make the same mistakes over and over again, which means that you simply need to change those habits. Try to expand your vocabulary as you write. I'm not sure what program you use to type, but Microsoft Word has a built in thesaurus function that comes in really handy! If you don't use Word, you can always find a thesaurus online or in a bookstore. Colorful words help keep the reader interested and awake, and they make you look smarter! Keep up the good work! I look forward to seeing the rest of this story!
(NOTE: Please keep in mind that the revisions that I have made are merely suggestions. If you see something that doesn't agree with your vision of the story, take it out! You're the writer and you have creative license! Everything that I have changed simply my interpretation of the vision in your head.)